The inescapable Question: Is this Cool?

http://www.chinainternship.org/Liaoning/jinzhou.htm

Half full or half empty? As I hit age 40 and "center field" of my life so to speak. "cross fingers" 80 year life expectancy.

At this age and at this point of my life , I am constantly reminded of a significant scene in Pink Floyd's "The Wall."

About halfway through the movie it shows Pink as a boy running across a football "soccer" field. Pink stops half way and looks at the goal he is running towards. He turns around and heads the way he came from. Then, metaphorically, the wall closes in and he is stuck inside himself trying to figure out how or if he can get out. At one point he wonders if there is anybody even out there to get to.Though I relate, I have gained some good insights through my meditations to stop me from falling for this false dichotomy of "failure and success."

Select Lyrics

Hey you, Out there in the cold,
Getting lonely, getting old,
Can you feel me?

Hey you,
With your ear against the wall,
Waiting for someone to call out,
Would you touch me?

Hey you,
Would you help me to carry the stone?
Open your heart, I'm coming home.

But it was only fantasy.
The wall was too high, as you can see.
No matter how he tried he could not break free.
And the worms ate into his brain.

That entire album wrenches me clean when I sing it. It is cathartic. Occasionally I need to spend the night alone with that CD, crank it to "11" on the volume knob and just sing the FUCK out of it. I sing like I'm wringing point out of an old paint sponge. Just wring, rinse and wring until the water runs clear.

WHAT NEEDS CLEAN AND WHAT IS CLEAN ARE VERY RELATIVE

One thing for sure, there is a lot of wet paint in our daily lives. You see it and touch it every day. Your skin absorbs pollution painted air; your ears can absorb the symphonies of life and death at the same moment; Your eyes see children and terrorists juxtaposed by mili-seconds an McMedia news flashes... And you still find time to read the update on Anna Nicole Smith on the streaming scroll bar.

It is too much for me. By the end of a day I am absolutely drenched in humanity. I feel like I need a good sweat. I used to be able rinse the daily "GOOO" out of my sponge with a beer; Well, quite a few. Those days are gone. Besides, some problems are not soluble.

That is what brings me to the point I guess. I need to resolve myself to my circumstance and focus on a direction. I need to come to terms with myself. I need to re-evaluate my goals and bring some closure to the first part of my life. The question for me is to determine whether I left my goal behind or got tripped up on the way to it. Which way do I go?

Instead of running blindly at the goal or just tucking my tail between my legs and giving up, I am going to find another goal. Without a new vision and direction, I am just a sculpture chipping away at a granite slap saying "boy, I hope this turns out cool looking, whatever it is."

Of course, when I pack all my shit and to go China I find myself making the same statement: "boy, I hope this turns out to make me cool looking."

Thanks for reading my stuff. KDF