JOURNAL MARCH 16: I ACHIEVED MY MUSICAL DREAM

I have been using music to help students with pronunciation and listening skills. I ask them the type of music they like or specific artists and bring in CDs with the lyrics to each song to get them to sing in English.

One student said he like blues with slow piano, violin or a combination. I gave him a CD with a few short samples to see what are to head into for him. I put a song I wrote at the end. I didn't think he would go all the way through the CD and doubted he would notice.

On Friday I asked him which one he chose. He said his favorite was the last one. He wanted the name of the artist. It was my song! I about cried. It saddens me that I am going to have to fail such a good student for insulting Tom that way. (Humble humor).

All I ever wanted was for someone who does not know me to like my music. I love you all, but caring for someone means you must balance honestly and feelings. It hurts when a friend or family member says "you look like you've put on weight." When you are invited to dinner you do not tell the host that you don't like their food.

I don't take it personal. In fact, I don't want false praise. It may affect the direction and quality of my music. I want my music to be genuine and a direct reflection of ME. It sometimes feels that much of my life has been tainted because I lack the maturity to act without calculating likelihood that my action will bring me praise. Kelly the dancing monkey.

Being addicted to a drug (or praise) is like being married to Lorana Bobbit: It may make you feel better, but at some point in the middle of the night it will reach under your covers and cut your dick off. Hazelden was simply an operation necessary to have my penis re-attached.

In reality I have been continuing to write music. I just decided that it would be my own thing. I figured that writing music is like farting; If it your own it never really bothers you. Asking a close friend to give you feedback on a song or poem is like farting and saying, "so, how does that smell?"

I didn't take it personal and you must have the insight not take it personal either. Your polite silence was evidence that you care about my feelings more than yourself. Sacrificing the freedom to express your opinion out of respect of another is not a lie and it is not an insult: It is love. Sometimes the truest love is silent.

Anyway, my writing spirit has been rejuvenate. I only wish I could sleep so that I had the energy to create. Recent life challenges/opportunities have wed me to insomnia and anxiety will forever be a wall I must tear down myself. Once you've been addicted you become Humpty Dumpty. I refuse to get high and climb the wall again. If I make it to the top again and fall, I fear all the king's horses and all the king's men will NEVER be able to put me together again. I don't know if Humpty Dumpty had a penis, but I must face the truth: horses to do not have opposable thumbs and therefore lack the physical dexterity to perform penis attachment surgery.

On that mixed metaphor I am going to go get me some Bacchus-D. Yes, it is a drug - it is like Red Bull. But it only comes in bottles the size of a double shot (so I have to buy boxes of 10....just kidding...kinda).

Love ya.

HEY - I AM OFFICIALLY A MUSICIAN. A COMPLETE STRANGER ASKED ME FOR MORE MUSIC FROM HIS FAVORITE ARTIST ON A CD. THAT CD PITTED ME AGAINST TOM WAITS...AND HE CHOSE ME. HOLY SHIT. ONE DOWN....ABOUT 500 MILLION TO GO.

Peace. KDF
(PS: The song was "Alone Again.") Now that I think about it, Jenny Gulbranson..(sorry Jenny I can't remember your married name) said she liked that one best too. But, she is not a complete stranger. But for all sakes and purposes my fan base has doubled!